Beau Wann, Jr.
Would you just look at the time ! Been up since 2:56 this AM. Been trying to avoid the blue light. Guess what disturbed me was Little Miss trying to get further under my arm and blanket...well, surprise surprise, we had fallen asleep in the old rocking chair. I decided it was time to get up although Little Miss had other ideas as she clamped her front paws around my arm. "Let go dear, I've got to get up" I said as I pried her loose, which only served for her to burrow further down in the chair under the blanket.
I quickly sprung my taut steel coil spring of a body out of the chair before she changed her mind and came after me. Steel coil spring of a body? Of course, maybe just a little bent broken and rusty, but steel coil none the less. I crept down the long hall, it's so long, I sometimes use it as a makeshift bowling alley throwing my dirty clothes at the basket strategically placed at the other end! Anyway, I was crepting down the hall when a cold nose woke the back of my knee up, not to mention scaring the beejeebers out of me. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO DO THAT YOU MANGY CUR", or woids to that affect.
Looks like Dixie Belle couldnt sleep eyether, or maybe I woke her up tripping over her toys as I stealthly crept down the hall/bowling alley. Ok, can we just get to the kitchen without waking the entire county up? "Dang" says I as I stubbed my "this little piggy got none" toe on yet another Dixie Belle toy. "you know dog, there are dogs in China that dont have this many toys to play with, some prolly haint even got none, and that's where all the toys come from now a days, along with everyghing else that says "made in america" assembled in mexico and shipped to china to be shipped back here"... whew that was a long sentence with no breath! ! !
Ok, where's that coffee pot....zip, whiz, pour water, measure coffee very carefully, trying to avoid spilling it all over the counter..."I SAID NOT SPILLING THE COFFEE GROUNDS ALL OVER THE COUNTER, AND FLOOR" I might add. Ok, now I've got to turn on a light...oh the humanity! Finally got er all cleaned up and coffee perked and my first sip taken...hmmmmmm good coffee! ! !
Got another nose in the right knee this time causing me to spill more PERKED coffee this time..."dog dog dog dog dog"...Guess who wants out now that I'm up, yup Dixie Belle Lee. I knowed it the moment I got the first cold wet knose on my use to be warm Knee. "Ok, lets go out" says I, like there was another option. After opening the door and stepping out onto the porch, I was struck by the fact that it was COLD !!!!!!!!! "YOW" says I as I jumped back inside and closed the door, which produced a less than adoring look from you know who.
I look at the CHIMACS (chappell hill intergalactic meteorological and cornpone society) temperature gauge, "it's 39 degrees out there" I exclaimed to no one in particular. Ok, got to get on some decent clothes. My insulated undies, two pair of socks, flannel lined jeans, t-shirt, sweat shirt, flannel shirt, my "bout du nords", (boot of the north from LL bean). Now comes my scarf, then my heavy jacket, a pair of gloves and the crowning glory, my "navy watch cap, 100% wool navy watch cap". Have to put a doorag on first because that wool will itch the fool out of your head! Hmmm I can hardly move! Well, one good thing, if I fall down, I wont get hurt because of all the layers of clothes I have on, and perhaps, just perhaps, I'll bounce right back up!
Ok, now I'm ready to step out onto the frozen tundra, and lo and behold, look who's ready to come back in! ! ! ! "No Ma'am" says I, " I've gone to this much trouble, so you're staying out here with me" which produced a "no I'm not" look from her royal highness. "oh yes you are" says I much more sternly than before. So out I step looking like Shackleford at the south pole. " Well, it is a nice crisp morning" I exclaim, again to no one in particular, as I take another sip of hot Joe. Dont know who invented coffee, but I love em!
Wow, sure is quiet at 3 in the morning in the countryside of Washington county. Rooster on Chads ridge seems unusually quiet, at least for him. That bad boy crows all day long, I guess making sure there are no late sleepers lollin about. Amazing, dont even hear the trucks out on the 4 lane. More coffee please! What a calm serene lovely setting, ahhhhh, as I take another slug of coffee. Now, this was worth getting up this early for!
"BARK BARK BARK" repeated a hundered more times, I hear, shaking me out of my reverie. "What tha, will you shut the hell up, you're gonna wake everything and everyone up" I says aggitatedly. Oh yeah, too late for take backs. Now I hear a few coyotes barking to the west of us, oh, now to the north, yes and now the east. Thank you very much dog, you've awakened every coyote and dog up in the county. Wait for it, wait for it, yes thank you, now Roger Rooster is crowing his fool head off. Oh now lets get the cows all mooing, yeah, that's the ticket. What a symphony we has begun ! ! ! And me shushing, trying to quiet down the cacauphony of noise.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING", I hear behind me as the door opened and closed. "WHY HAVE YOU STIRRED UP THE WILDLIFE AND LIVESTOCK", my beloved says to me accusingly! "Me"? "Moi"? "It wasnt me, it was YOUR dingbat dog...! "Oh dont blame it on Dixie Belle, and why is she out in this cold, she's shivering, you should be ashamed of yourself with your animal cruelty, the nerve of some people, then blame it on poor little Dixie Belle..." she trails off as she and DB head for warmer clime. I swear I could see a pink tongue sticking out as Dixie Belle turned her head to look back at me as she went inside.
I dont get any respect ! ! ! You and I Rodney, you and I! Time to head back inside! Now I have to reverse the dressing process, called "undressing". Here's how to lose 20 pounds instantly, take off your winter clothes. I'll bet Shackleford didnt have these much clothes on. (is it Shackelford, or Shackleford?) oh bother! Ok, now I'm down 20 pounds and having filled my mug with more coffee, I settle omfortably on the couch, and that lasts all of 5 seconds.
Able to leap tall couches in a single bound, descend on an unsupecting lap, comes "wonder dog". Yeah, you just wonder what the hell she's gonna do next to aggravate me. Dang near spilled my coffe, but with my superior Barnum and Baily juggling skill, I manage to not spill a drop. Hmmm, guess this is where I'm gonna be for a while, cause Dixie Belle the wonder dog is now half in my lap, upside down looking cuter that ever. Oughta be a law ! ! ! !
I finally get out from under "marmaduke", take another sip O Joe, and yuk, it's cold! ! ! Oh the humanity!
So now I've got a fresh cup O Joe, and sitting in front of the computer relaying all of my morning shenanigans to youse youtes, which I just know are very appreciative. So, let that be a lesson learned, "TRY TO SLEEP IN"...
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