|
Beau Wann, Jr.
Dear Family, (your name goes here),
Christmas is once again upon us and time for the much anticipated family news letter.A lot has happened over the past year, some of which I may be forgiven for, or not. Uncle Ed, (big ED) there's also a little Ed, thats how folks keep from getting them mixed up. Of course, they are about the same size now, little Ed all the time gaining on his dad, Big Ed.
Maybe I'll start with the freshest event on my memory. Last week Ed, Big Ed, asked if I would like to clean out the hayloft. Well, you know me, I jump at any chance of working on anything. Whilst I was tendin to my task in the hay loft, I came across an old oaken water bucket and thought it would be purty neat to fix up. Dont know how I was gonna do it, but thought it just might bring a dollar or two down at the county fair next spring from one of them touristy folks. Theys all time buying weird stuff!
The bucket wasnt in bad shape, and still had the well rope attached and both was in good reusable shape. I decided to hang it outside the loft window, and set it down on the ground so I wouldnt have to carry it down. Thats one thing about me, since I graduated from the correspondence course last June, I am always thinking on how to do things better. Anyway, I was playin out the rope as I let the bucket down, and somehow the rope slipped out of my hands, and gravity (learned that word in science class) took a holt of er, and down she went.
Now bout that time, and here's the part where Big Ed gets involved. As luck would have it, he just happened to be underneath the path of the falling and out of control bucket, and was, I'd say instrumental in breaking it's fall. Of course, as can be expected, that didnt make Big Ed none too happy to have been on the receiving end of saving an old oaken water bucket that probably wasnt worth moren a couple of dollars. But I was allus taught the value of things, and "waste not want not". When the bucket hit big Ed, it musta bounced up and turned over and then "keplunk", set down over big Eds head just as purty as you please.
Then again, as luck would have it, the other end, the free end, got hungup on top of one of those big doors, you know how big Ed likes them big ol barn doors doncha! Well, anyway, the first encounter with the bucket musta knocked the fool out of Big Ed, cause he was staggerin around like adrunk in a hurricane, with an old oaken water bucket on his head. It was sorta comical then, and I'm sure given enough time, maybe a few years, Big Ed might have a guffaw or two about this one particular misadventure of his. I will admit, Big Eds stamina, and manly strength did surprise me, cause he never fell down. Oh, he started to fall over, but like I said, the free end of the well rope that was attached to the bucket, got caught on the top of one of those big barn doors. You know how Big Ed likes them big ol barn doors! I said that didnt I?
So anyways, big Ed had walked, more like staggered to the end of the rope, and opened up one of them big doors. I thought things would have settled down, cause he started to keel over and set down, when a gust of cold north wind caught that big ol door, and slammed it shut, yankin Big Ed plumb off his feet back in the direction from which he had staggered, and he slammed into that door like a man with a bucket on his head that had been yanked by a wind blowed closed barn door. Hmmm, guess thats quite obvious isnt it! ! But to Big Eds credit, he never went down, just started staggerin around more. He started off in the direction the barn door had removed him from, and pulled that door open and was at the end of the rope again. He was trying to sit down, and was listin about 30 degrees to the north. However, that ol north wind had other ideas, and caught that barn door again and slammed it so hard, it got stuck in the Jamb. Of course, takin big Ed with it!
Well, the force of the door slammin, had yanked big Ed off his feet again, and slammed him into that big ol barn door that he likes so much, I thought he was gonna go through it. A barn door can only take so much. I thought now with the door secure, ol big Ed could finally sit down. This latest encounter with the door, wind and big Eds oak bucket enclosed head, almost knocked him down. I'll have to hand it to big Ed, cause he was still standin and staggerin back north again. This time when he come to the end of the rope, he tried to sit down, but the rope and bucket had prevented actual sitting all the way down. He was sort of leaning in mid air towards the north, and if you hadnt seen the rope, you woulda thought that he was one of them dancers in the circus. You know the ones, the scantily clad dancers that hang in the air and such. Well, big ed was not scantily clad, I can tell you that. although his coveralls were kinda hanging real loose like he'd been slammed into a big ol barn door.
this all looked real funny to me, and like I said, given a couple of years to recover, I think ol big Ed will have a good laugh too.
I clumb down the ladder and ran over to where Big Ed was trying to sit, but was just leaning into the wind, and asked to see what if any couldnt I help some. I tried to open the door and dislodge the free end of the rope, that wasnt as free as me or big Ed wished it had been. I got the door dislodged, and opened it up and big Ed sorta crumpled to the ground. As I was walkin over to him to ask wasnt he ok, and would he mind if I could have the oak bucket, he sorta mumbled something about " he wasnt sure how it happened, and now that he saw it was me somehow involved, he knew why it happened, and soons he got his wind and balance back, he was gonna fix my wagon". Since I dont have a wagon anymore, it caught fire, but thats another story, I thought that maybe I ought to make myself scarce.
Bout that time, another gust of wind caught that ol barn door, and slammed shut again, takin big Ed with it and slammin him into the barn door, and he just sorta set down there and didnt move. I was real worried that mabe that last go round had kilt him dead, but then he started to move around some and reaching for the bucket to try to free up his head. I started to help him, but heard him hollar, "CEPHUS, IS THAT YOU, YOU @#%$^&_^%$@#^%$&" ???? I wont repeat what he said, cause this is a G rated letter. I thought he could probably get that bucket off his head his ownself, so I hightailed it out of there.
You know, it was probably lucky that Big Ed had that bucket on his head, with him getting slammed around like he was gettin, sorta acted as a safety helmet.
Well, since the oaken bucket incident, I have been stayin at the Turners place, you remember Martha and Big Joe and their four boys, Little Joe, Big Bubba, and little Bubba and Francis. I swear, I never did understand how anyone coulda named their boy, "Francis", but seein as how I wasnt there when they did, and they didnt ask me no how I guess it's ok.
Big Joe, and Martha, made it sorta clear that they DID NOT WANT ME TO HELP THEM DO ANYTHING AROUND THE FARM, and just stay clear of any and all work around their place as he couldnt afford me. Now, wasnt that nice of them to not make me work for room and board??? Of course I learned later that he meant he couldnt afford any more doctor bills, and rebuilding anything else. I guess he still hasnt forgot about the fire in his chicken coop. (all the chickens made it out ok) of course it scared em so, it took em a week to start layin eggs again. What had happened, could have happened to anyone.
One mornin, I was gonna surprise the Turners by bringing in that days eggs, so they wouldnt have to. I went in the coop with my flashlight, cause they didnt have in electric lights inside, and as luck would have it, and it seems luck sure does like having things his own way, and not mine, my flashlight chose that exact moment to quit on me. I found a candle and a box of matches, just outside the coop door, just what I needed. I lit that good ol candle, and lodged it between two boards, and proceeded on with my good deed of collectin eggs.
I also forgot to bring a basket, but no matter, cause I had my hat, and it could hold a lot of eggs. Boy, them ol layin hens he's got are good as gold producin all them eggs.I only dropped two of em, but scooped em up and put them in my hat anyways. Once again, as luck would have it, I forgot all about the candle that was stuck between two boards. Soons I got to the back door of the house, I heard a commotion what sounded like the fox had gotten in the hen house and when I turned around, them ol chickens was flyin everwhichaway. Smoke and flames was shootin up bout 20 feet in the air. Boy, who woulda thought that hay and wood would burn so quick.
Bout the time I turned around and saw the commotion, Big Joe and Martha and their four boys, Little Joe, big Bubba and little Bubba and Francis, (I sure dont recollect why they named a boy francis though) came a flyin out the door knockin me down along with my hat full of eggs. And once again, as luck would have it, broke ever dad burn egg in that hat, although two was already broke, so they dont count.
Martha and the four boys formed a bucket brigade from the waterin trough to the chicken coop, and Big Joe had a hose strung out through the wood pile trying to stem the tide on that ol fire. I remember in my senior year, 6th grade, we saw a film on firemen, and how they carried an ax into a fire. Never did understand how an ax was better than water at puttin out a fire, but then I had a lot to learn thats for sure. So, I looked around to see if Big Joe had left his ax out, and lo and behold, there was one right there, smack dab in the middle of that wood pile. And by golly, it looked like she was freshly sharpened. I ran over and grabbed the ax, and ran towards what was left of the burnin chicken coop, when in my exuberance and excitment, I tripped. Once again, as luck would have it, the ax flew across the yard, and landed smack dab in the middle of the hose, and cut er clean in two, sending water spraying ever where, cept in the direction of the fire.
I had never seen a growed man cry before like that, I guess it was too much lookin down at the end of his hose where no water was comin out, and looking at his now smolderin chicken coop. Big Joe, just set right down and went to blubberin like a new born babe. Pretty soon, Aunt Martha joined in the wailin, and then all four boys, Little Joe, big Bubba, Little Bubba, and francis, commenced to caterwaulin right along with em. Since all the family was sorta distracted, and the caterwaulin seemed to be catchin, I thought as how this might be a good time to make myself scarce. Of course that was last spring and as I was sayin, I'm stayin with them fer a spell, or at least till uncle Ed regains his composure, at least where I am concerned.
Since the Turners wont let me work off my room and board, I really dont have much to do, cept keep their old hound dog Screech company out behind the barn. Did I mention that I have the use of a very nice room in the corner of the barn, me and ol screech. Well, it is a fine room, and not too drafty in the winter. I have plugged up most of the holes with mud and hay, so me and Screech are dry as a bone, and snugh as a bug in a rug. The turners did allow for me and Screech to have a few blankets and pillows from their sleepin porch. I also got a couple of horse blankets as a mattress, and they dont smell all that bad either. I thought that was right considerate of em, seein as how I burned their chicken coop down. You know them ol chickens still remember that fire, and wont come anywhere near me. Dumb ol birds.
Did I tell you how Screech got his name? Well, Big Joe and the boys, and Uncle ed and little ed, all went bear huntin one spring, takin ol Screech with em, to maybe rustle up a bear. Well, I went along as sort of gun bearer, and water toter, and tent setter upper. Well they were on the trail of a big black bear, when they lost sight of him. I was settin on a stump, when I saw Screech backing up, not watchin where he was going. Then I saw the bear backing up also not watchin where he was going. They were on a butt to butt collision course! When they finally bumped into one another, they both let out a screech, and shot forward, both the bear and Screech ended up in opposit counties. Dont know what happened to the bear, but they say that one day a black bear ran up to the ranger station, and fell over dead. Died of a heartattack. Ol Screech, came home a week later, all bug eyed, and instead of bayin like a good hound dog does, he sorta screeches.
But, like I said, I dont really have much to do here, or anywhere else for that matter. After I finished my correspondence course in being a logger, I couldnt find work to save my soul. Seems all the hardware stores in the county and surrounding counties are always sold out of chainsaws. Just my luck too. of course, they all know me, and I'm sure as soon as the next shipment of chainsaws comes in, they will notify me. Everyone is so nice to me, and always seems to know where I am. They pass the word along to town just where I am and which way I'm a goin. what a great place! Seems everyone here is so taken with my wellbein, they have been trying to get me to move to the big city to try my luck at finding a job there and makin my mark and fortune. Everyone here says that I've about made all the mark here that I can make, so I really should think about moving to New York City, Chicago, or Los Angeles. I didnt know there was such a high demand for loggers in the big city, but you learn something new ever day.
The towns folk here said if I moved to LA, (thats short and citified for Los Angeles) I would probably become one of them movie stars. They all said that if I did that, and made a movie, they would all chip in and go see whatever movie I was in, didnt matter, as long as I went. Now wasnt that nice of them? I thanked em for their concern, and assured em that I really liked it here, and was rarin to get started on helpin em rebuild the county fair after the fire destroyed it last spring. You could tell some of em was real touched, cause they all had tears in their eyes.
I would love to tell you about the fire at the county fair grounds, but I see big Ed and family drivin by, with the Turners in the back of the pickup. I wonder if theyre lookin for me? I am at the library typing this, as no one has internet, except the library! Well, it really wasnt all my fault this time...ok, gotta run,
Merry Christmas and Happy new year....maybe next year, I can come stay with yall! ! !
your lovin cousin and brother and frien...
Cephus...
|
.jpg)
