| 03/11/10 11:08 PM |
#2373
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Beau Wann, Jr.
Goot eefenink myne waldiplomians,
I was rested up, that is until today! did too much for my old back to handle, but guess I will survive!
I was fresh, back from doing my civic duty in "gotham City"! The parking lot they show you, is 4 blocks from the jury assembly room, but if you get there before 8, it is only 4 dollars all day! Well, no problem right???
You can get to the Jury assembly room from this garage via tunnel, per the deputy I asked!!! "Can I get lost" I asked??? "No way" says he!!! WAY!!!! Liar liar pants on fire!!!! I wound up in some other court bldg! Ha, dont tell me I cant get lost in a tunnel!!!! I can get lost in my own house!!!
Oh, I left a step out before getting lost, THE DREADED METAL DETECTOR!!! After getting off the elevator in the parking garage, on my way to the twilight zone tunnel, I had to go through the metal detector!!! There isnt a metal detector on planet earth that I cant set off!!!
I put my back pack on the conveyor, and einstein the beeper keeper said I would have to take my boots off, which is hard enough at home!!! Then I walk through the beeper gates of hell, and BEEEEEEEEEEEEP, theres a surprise, I set off the metal detector!!! So I go back around and take my hat off...BEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!
Einstein asks what other metal do I have, so I put my pen and glasses in the dog dish along with the keys!!!
BEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!! I asked if change would set it off, and he says yes! So I empty my pockets of the 85 dollars in quarters and the new silver dollars! Why, you ask, do I have that much coin in my pocket??? One word, VENDINGMACHINES!!!! Or is that two words??? Might as well be the whole dictionary at this point! I figure I am not going to make it to any vending machines, probably just keel over and die right here!
Einstein the beeper keeper is looking at me real funny, like maybe I robbed the vending machines!
"I have jury duty and wanted to have enough money to eat on from the vending machines" says I!!!
So, I walk through the beeper gates of hell again, and BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!! "I'm coming to see you lizabeth"
Then Einstein says, "might be your belt"!!! So off comes the belt and coat and hat and boots and everything in my pockets and watch and ring, and now I am almost NEKIT!!!
If the furshlerginer BEEPER FROM HELL goes off again, I'm going home, and they can just come get me!!!
I put one foot through, so far so good, next I put half of my taut manly body in, ok so far! I ease the rest of mE in ever so slowly! Inch by inch, step by step, and I'M THROUGH!!!!!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Finally won the gold medal!!! So now it takes me about 10 minutes, give or take, to gather up all my 85 dollars in quarters and all the other stuff from my pockets, and to get UNNEKIT!!! The hardest thing is putting my boots back on with out the benefit of a chair! Ol einstein the beeper keeper, has the onliest chair, and he aint givin it up to help brother out!!!!
You know, they tell you before you go down there what not to wear! Shorts, tank top, flip flops!!! Hell, thats about what I was down to, going through the beeper from hell!!! In case youre wondering, "hey brother beau, why do you carry so much stuff"??? God only knows, and he aint sayin!!! No, I'm still a boy scout at heart, "Be prepared", so like the good boy scout, I am!!! Boy scout hell, I'm the whole troop!!!!
Ok, where was i, oh yeah, getting lost in the tunnel under Gotham City! Is this what is commonly referred to as "getting lost in the justice system"???
I finally emerge from the tunnel in the wrong bldg, and I see another Beeper Gate, Oh no!!!!! Can a body get beeped to death??? I asked a worker where the jury room is, and she says, "Boy, you really are lost"!!! "yesum" I says, "I really are"!!! "Ok, see that pink bldg there," she said! I said I did, but hell they all looked pink to me!!! So she gives me directions to the pink bldg, which as anyone could plainly see, was easy as pie!!! JUST STAY OUT OF THE TUNNELS!!!! I asked her do I have to go through the (expletive deleted) machine again??? She chuckles and says no, so Off I go on my big adventure to the pink building!!!
I get there, and it is about 645! (I am almost two hours early, but I didnt want to be late) I find a seat close to the restroom and water fountains!! Dont know about you, but that is a prerequisite for me, close to tthe bathrooms and fountains, and vending machines for my 85 dollars in quarters!!! And as luck would have it, the first machine I tried was BROKEN!!! I do, however, see coffee brewing behind a counter, and no attendee! So, I guess this is "get your own coffee" bar!!! I no sooner get behind the counter when I hear, "hey, youre not suppose to be back there"! Aint been here 5 minutes, and already in trouble! But generally, trouble shows up within a minute, give or take, of anyplace I go!!!
"Well, no one was in attendance, and I shore was a hankerin for a good cup o joe, and yours smelled heavenly" I was laying it on thick, and it takes a very special person to make good coffee, and are you by any chance that person" I ask?/?
"lorda mighty, you shore do talk funny, where yall from" asks the coffee attendee??? "YALL"??? Did she see my evil twin??? I was looking around, was there moren one of me???
I said, "Well, I'm from the planet Remulac, and the mother ship just landed, so I havent had quite enough time to adjust to your language"!!! I wonder if that was too sarcastic???
"Naaaaah, for real" says she!!!! Hmmm...I wonder if she would be interested in some oceanfront property in west Texas??? Nah, probably not!!!
I get my coffee, and find some danish that didnt look moren a month old, in the only machine that worked!!! The Danish was .90 cents, and coffee was 1.50, so lets see, that left me with 82.60 in quarters, plus a dime!!! Man, things are lookin up!!!
Had my coffee and danish, and bio break, so I sit down and look at the paper and then start on a book!
A lady comes to the microphone and garbles some kind of instructions, which I cant understand, and I just know thats gonna be trouble!!!
So, I figure I'll just follow what everyone else does!!!
At least that way, if I get into trouble, about a thousand more will get it too! I also figure if we all get into trouble, if we scatter and run in all directions, they dont have enough people to catch us all!!! Sound thinking, dont you think???
In the background I hear some loud obnoxious crazy woman talking! I look and she is in the middle section, back row, and she is just jabberin away on her cell phone, loud as she can be!!! I get up and go to the desk to find out what the microphone woman had said and to take my jury summons to her, and at the same time, another lady goes over to the obnoxious crazy woman!!! I hand my summons to the microphone lady, and about that time, the obnoxious crazy woman leaves the room, still jabberin on her cell phone!!! Seems the other lady told her to hang up or get out, so she got out!!! Just as I turned around to go back to my seat, everyone starts clapping! Well, I thought it was for me, cause I was so good looking, so I wave my hand to acknowledge the applause, and grin!!!
Of course they are looking at me like I'm an idiot, and at that point, I'd say they were pretty close to calling it right!!! I find my seat, and slide way down and put a book in front of my face, hoping they would just forget the incident and me!!!
Then the district clerk comes in and gives us all a pep talk and tells us about all the fun and excitement we could look forward to, and to thank us for doing our civic duty!!! I believe, I have had all the fun already, that I can stand for one day, thank you very much!!!
Time passes, and they call out blocks of 60 numbers, and finally get to mine, 1994! The first 60 are told to stand by the wall, the second 60 is told they are the blue group, and to go down stairs! Then it is my turn, I am relegated to the "yellow" group, and its down the stairs we go! We are ushered into a huge empty room, except for four taped off squares on the floor! The blue people are inside their square, getting instructions, and us "yellow" people are in the yellow square, awaiting instructions! Good ol yellow group!!!
Time passes and finally deputy dawg comes in and gives us new numbers!!! At the beginning of the day, I was good ol 1994! Now, I'm good ol 38!!! Guess I got demoted!!! Then deputy dawg takes us back upstairs, (my knees and legs are killin me) and out of the building onto the sidewalk! So off we go, two blocks east, and one block north, right towards my truck! I could have saved myself a lot of trouble and waited for them on the corner!!!
So, in another court building, OH NO, ANOTHER BEEPER MACHINE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
Where is that rapture when you need it???
I get to the back of the yellow group so as not to hold em up, cause I know I'll be puttin on my Gypsy Rose Lee routine!! Sure enough, I set that ol machine off so much, burned it up, and they had to bring out the "fine tooth wand"! I guess they figured I could do no harm to anyone, in my shorts and tank top and flip flops, so they said I could go on! Now, it takes me about another 10 minutes to put myself back to bein unnekit! I almost just carried my boots, but I found a chair!!!
Now, I have pissed off deputy dawg, cause we are suppose to go up to the 20th floor together, and they cant because I am woefully behind!!! Finally got dressed again and stuffed my books and stuff into my backpack, and load up my pockets with the 82.60 and keys and rejoin the much amused "yellow group"!!!
An aside here, if I wanted to do anyone harm in the justice system, I wouldnt bring a gun or tnt, no siree, I'd just buy em a swimming pool, and put in a couple of elaborate flower beds for em!!! That'd do em in right there! Certainly has irritated and aggravated me lo these many years!
Once we get to the 20th floor, we have to line up in order of our new numbers on both sides of a hot hallway! Fun and excitment dont begin to describe what I am having!!!
Ok, they are ready for us and we go in and sit in order of our new numbers, swell!!!! The judge seems to be an ok guy, for a judge! He looks something like Charleston Heston did when he got old! As it turns out, the judge is old too! Ha, nothing gets by me! Mind like a steel trap!!! So, we listen to judge roy bean, for about an hour, then the DA, then the defense counsel, and all of em have said the same thing, for about 3 hours!!! All of it about the legal system! Hell, we'd all make pretty good lawyers at this point in time!
Then, the DA starts asking us questions, and I KNOW TO BE QUIET, cause the squeaky wheel gets put on a jury!!!
It is now 1 pm and the onliest thing I have had to eat, is a year old danish, and a cup o joe! My stomach thinks my throat has been cut, and is making all kinds of racket and rude sounds! Thought ol judge roy was gonna throw me in contempt of court, or at least my empty stomach! Me and my stomach are pretty close, so we both woulda had to go to jail together!!!
Now, they pass out notes to us all to take back to our employer, or in my case, my handler (my beloved) that I was on jury duty, only I didnt get picked, YEAAAAAA!!!!
I catch the first elevator smokin to street level, and run, not walk to the garage where my truck is being held hostage!!! I remembered what floor, but not where I parked on the third floor! So I had to hit the beeper and honk the horn! YEA, FOUND IT!!!! Race down the ramp, throw 4 dollars in quarters to the attendant, down franklin, to washington ave to T C Jester to 43rd where I met DW for lunch! Then Home I am, nap I had, critters I fed and computer I type!!
What fun and excitement I had today, just like the district clerk said! Wow, what a guy!!!!
Just kinda layed around when I got home. But today, I did too much, and really hurt my back, again, and arms and legs hurt etc etc etc...Oh well, no pain no gain!!!
Well, just look at alll the fun you miss if you dont have jury duty!!! I think I am going up to the ranch tomorrow, THERE AINT NO METAL DETECTORS UP THERE!!!! Me and cooper are just gonna smoke cigars and drink beer, and look for his pig!!!
So, goodnight Mrs Simpson, where ever you are!!!
Your friend and pard
Judge Beauregard
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